Date:	2005-04-06 11:49
Subject:	Taking a Break
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused
Music:	See you in September... hahahaha

I do not think live journal is good for my mental health status, therefore I am going on a live journal hiatus. It is deleterious to maintaining my social networks.
Or whatever.
Hahahaha.
Now I will return to studying for my Sociology of Mental Health and Illness exam.

Date:	2005-04-04 22:21
Subject:	April's fool...
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad
Music:	I am not a pretty girl- Ani DiFranco

Spring does weird things to me.

So why is it that every time I like a guy he inevetably ends up coming up to me and asking me for help with girls?  What is up with that.  Not a single guy I've been interested in since John and I split has spared me that insult.  Arrgh.

Well, I got stood up for my "elimidate" on Friday and instead of my friend Ross and his two buddies coming up here to entertain me it was just him.  The two buddies had to stay and play poker to satiate their gambling addictions.  Unfortunatley I'd already made dinner for 4 people.  Becky came over so I only had one serving too many.  I brought it into the office and Ilsa took it home for Juha to eat.  She said it would be a real treat for him (cornflake chicken and mashed potatoes).  I don't imagine she cooks much, and I do imagine that if she tried she'd burn her house down.  Ross was so thrilled by the dinner, which consisted of the aforementioned, stuffed mushrooms, and steamed broccoli, that he took a picture on his camera phone of the dinner (and the hostess) and sent it to his loser friends.  :-P  We went out to Tom's after dinner for karaoke, which was ok, but people were sad cause one of the usuals had died the night before :-(.  Suzy introduced me to her son who flirted with me the whole night and paid me more compliments than I'm worth, although I'd have to imagine that he was just being nice, since he is engaged.  His aunt was not happy to see the way he behaved around me, and I was not happy to be worrying about what people would think of me, but still, it was nice to get some positive attention, even if it was from yet another army guy who smokes like a gay chimney.  Why is it that I always attract people with some form of dependency?  Anyway, I apparently have beautiful eyes, an impressive level of body confidence, I'm beautiful when I smile, oh yeah, and I'm the most awesome girl ever cause I'll say "I have to piss" rather than using the more polite "pee."  WTF?  Weird shit.

Today I bombed a SAS programming exam.  It was not my fault.  I actually did extremely well with the part that I finished.  In fact, only one person finished the exam and she has prior experience in using SAS, unlike the rest of us, who took the class because we wanted to learn how to use it.  I normally take responsibility for my own fuck ups, but this, this was beyond my control.  You see, the homework the prof assigns takes most of us at least 3 hours each week to complete, and the exam was about 3 times as long as the homework, far less straight forward, and we only had two hours to take it.  I got further than some.  We let her know at the end of class that there was no way we could finish the programs assigned within 2 hours based on our limited experience, and pointed out that the far shorter homeworks took us at least 3 hours even when we did not experience difficulty in writing our programs.  She took it as us complaining that we had too much homework.  She's pretty dense.  She's actually never taught a class before, and never written an exam, but I kinda thought she'd get it after a few students couldn't finish the quiz on time (she only gave 30 minutes to take that), apparently she's denser than I thought.

John and I went out for a friendly dinner last night and then played a game of chess.  I schooled him.  I really would like to find someone who is a decent opponent.  I'm not very good at the game but I do enjoy playing.  I actually don't mind losing so long as it was a good game.  I never mind losing really, which is good, cause no matter what the game is, I usually lose.  He got to talking about how sorry he was about how badly he'd treated me when we were together, which was enough to remind me of how damned lonely I really am.  I managed to refrain from crying.  Somehow he ended up hugging me and telling me to "let it all out"  I didn't though.  Mostly I felt that he'd over-stepped his boundaries based on the length of his embrace and the fact that he touched my face.  I think it's just hard to establish appropriate patterns of interaction.  I needed to cry, still do need to cry about a lot of things, some trivial, some not... but his is not the shoulder I want to cry on.  Right now, I don't have a shoulder... and if I had my choice of a shoulder, well I probably wouldn't want to cry so much.

Somebody told me I need to speak to an older woman for guidance.  I tried to talk to Ilsa a bit... but she's about as good with that stuff as I'd imagine she is in the kitchen.  It's been recommended that maybe I try the women's center.  I don't know about that.  I mean, who wants to talk to strangers about the things that are stressing them out or getting them down?  I don't even want to talk to my friends about it.  I might want to talk to my mother, but oh wait, she's one of the major stressors.  I kind of talk to people, but just the surface, just a play by play of what's happened lately, I never talk about how any of it makes me feel.  I'm like mail from the unibomber...  small, tidy,  all wrapped up, packaged neatly, just waiting to explode.  Sometimes I try to reach out to people who might posess a little more wisdom  than I do... but they rarely want to talk to me about anything deeper than how my grades are.

I miss my friends, you know, the ones who moved away, or went and got married, and left me here still waiting to start my life while they are all wrapped up in theirs.  I feel like I somehow got left behind, like staying in school has cut me off from a large chunk of the world because I'm still "avoiding" the real world while everyone else is so hard at work in it.

Date:	2005-03-31 15:26
Subject:	A little fall of... sun?
Security:	Public
Mood:	frazzled
Music:	Les Mis "A Little Fall of Rain"

Well, actually, it's not sunny outside today. It was pretty warm this morning, but I swear it got colder.

Today started out ok. I got a good parking spot. That's good right? Of course I got the parking spot at 8:30 in the morning, so it means I've been at the office all day working on the homework I screwed up last night. Fortunately, I've re-done the entire thing and finished it with time to spare.

Additionally, I spoke with the graduate coordinator and I have my funding back for next semester (praise jeebus). This means that I will not have to lose 20 pounds and strip my way through the rest of grad school (sorry to dissappoint).

The unfortunate thing is that life has improved a bit, which makes me hesitant to come clean to the muse. It was an easier thing to consider doing when all the shit was hitting the fan, why not throw the rest of it in there too? But now, things are looking upper, and I may have lost my nerve.

Looking up again, someone is trying to set me up on a date. The funniest thing is that the person he's trying to set me up with is ginormously tall, and I'm pretty short. Hahaha. If the date actually happens, no matter how it goes, I'm totally going to need a picture. I think it'll just be nice to get out and "play the field." It's been hard to do, since there's nobody on it.

I think I might be getting a little sick. I was sick for a couple days in Florida with a sore throat and a cold. Now I'm back and the professor I work for is sick and I have that taste in my mouth, the one that says "Hi, your sinuses are about to rebel against your immune system." Probably it doesn't help that I'm not sleeping much. I can't. I can't fall asleep (unless of course I have work to do) and I'm up with the sun, which these days is about 6 or 7 am. It is not conducive to a good night's sleep.

I feel bad cause they won't give Stephanie funding cause she needs a bit less credits than I do. It's like survivors guilt. It's not my fault that they made the policy, or that I have, in the end, escaped its wrath, but I still feel bad.

I have not written any new poems today, but I still have one 2.5 hour class to go, so I guess we'll see. I really need to stop writing shitty poems. Either I need to grow some talent or decide that I don't want what I want, therefore putting an end to poetic retardedness.

Well, I had a pretty good week in Florida. There was impressively little family arguing and the weather was fabulous. I think I might have gained 10 lbs, but it will go away. I have a great tan, except for the lines. Today I put on lace boy-short panties and I could see my string bikini lines through the panties. Weird.

I got a really cool new outfit, India style, of course. I also got an awesome photo. I contemplated giving it to Chris as a "souvenir"/ joke, but I appreciate it for it's true value and he might just barely appreciate it as a joke. It's three naked ladies in gas masks in the middle of new york protesting in October 2001. They are not sexy, but it's a cool photo, and an original. I talked to the lady who took it, she was pretty cool, even if she didn't seem all there.

On my way to my parents' place last friday a pipe flew off a truck and smashed off my passenger side mirror on my new car. To top it off I had to file a police report cause the truck didn't stop and the lady at the truck company wouldn't give me the insurance information when I called them. At least it didn't come through my windshield and kill me. It could've been way worse.

I have such a dark tan that I thought my lips were dirty, but I couldn't wash them off. They weren't dirty, they got tan too.

I would like a cookie while I'm home, before I go back to my apartment and my strict diet/exercise plan, but my mother is in the kitchen and she will criticize me if I get a cookie. I want a damned cookie!!!! She criticized me all week every time I didn't get a chicken caesar salad, but then when I felt bad about my food choices, she was like oooooh... you're on vacation, it's not so bad, you're active and healthy, one week won't kill you, enjoy your vacation. What's with the mixed messages?! Stupid arrrrgh... get out of the kitchen so I can have a cookie without having to feel ashamed!!! It was not easy to be healthy in Marathon key, everything is fried and you can only eat so much chicken caesar salad that's made with freakin' iceberg lettuce. Oh yeah, and when your whole family is having ice cream and key lime pie and making fun of you or being down right nasty because you're trying to be choosy about what you shovel into your mouth, well that sucks too.

I want, what I want... whatever that means.

I started a new poem, it sucks.

I don't know,
If you realized,
We are,
Simply biding
Our time,
While residing,
In our own separate lives.

see, I told you.

I finished another new poem, but I don't have it with me. They are, of course, all about the muse. Each and every recent one and many of the earlier ones. The muse. Maybe this is a "saved the best for last situation" which is, absurdly, the hope expressed in the new poem which is under construction. Cause really, lets face it, right now I don't want a relationship, I want some time off. Doesn't mean I don't know what I want after some time to myself. Wrong time, wrong place, wrong mind set. Always, no matter who it is, muse or not, the good ones are always out of sync with my life or I'm out of sync with theirs.

Enough bitching. I am tan and chubbyful. The chubbyful part will be fixed by the end of next week. Yaaay south beach and gym! Can't wait to get back to school, back to work, and maybe go see a movie. Ahhh... the simple and mundane things in life.

Date:	2005-03-16 22:13
Subject:	Sigh
Security:	Public
Mood:	disappointed
Music:	Ani DiFranco- I am not a pretty girl

Dear Diary,
I want to be a pretty girl. Period. Not "Pretty but..." Just pretty. Not pretty, but could stand to lose 15 pounds, not pretty but with frizzy hair, or too short, or too round, or too whatever and not enough something else...
I'm sick of going to the gym and watching myself jog faster and longer and lift more weight but still have jiggly thighs and a round tummy with love handles as the icing on the cake. I want to look like the other girls who go to the gym. I want perky boobs and a straight back.
I'm really sick of feeling like nobody who's good enough for me, or smart enough ever looks at me because I'm not as pretty as the other girls they can get. I am smart and motivated and independent and self sufficient. I can cook, I'm clean, and I am really good to people I care about. No one sees those things past my physical imperfections... no one sees past the "but's"...
If I were pretty, with no but's, could I get what I want? Would smart, motivated, caring, clean guys notice me? Do I scare guys off because I'm intelligent and independent? I don't understand.
I'll probably be over this tomorrow.

Yeah, so the van is being laid to rest, actually I'm selling it for a farily small sum. I have a "new" car, a Nissan Altima. I need to name it. The van's name was Consuela because she had a big butt like a Spanish chick, but this one... I don't know what to name it. I did buy it from an Indian mechanic so maybe an Indian name. Suggestions anyone?

My "Guru", Dr. Ilsa Lottes informs all of her students that an orgasm is essentially the height of self-disclosure.  It is our most private moment, that we do not generally share with everybody, because it is a moment during which we lose all control.  We have muscle spasms, make funny noises, screw up our faces, and do other crazy stuff.  Some people even pee themselves (glad I haven't experienced that one).  So, maybe Dr. Lottes isn't really a guru, she might just be a Professor of Sociology/Sexology at UMBC, but she has a point.  An orgasm, is a very private thing.  It may be even more private than the act of sex itself.  When you think about it, you generally have control over the sex act, but during an orgasm, you lose all control .  It may only be for a few brief seconds, but it is a moment during which you look, sound, and act goofy as all get out.  I have often mistaken my partners'  vocal  and facial expressions as an indication that I was somehow killing them in a very painful way.  Go figure.

So what's with all of this talk about orgasms?  Well, if I knew I would tell you.  I just ended up contemplating it today, for no particular reason.  I happen to be a control freak.  Well, I might not be that bad, but I do like to be in control of my life, my personal interactions, consequences, etc, as much as possible.  I'm not a "controlling" person when it comes to others, there's a difference.  I control what is mine, the aspects of my life, and as far as others, they best not try to control what is mine.  Rarely do I choose to relinquish my control in the presence of anyone... in fact, it's probably impossible to relinquish control unless someone else is around to pick it up.  Anyway, truth be told, I have orgasmic issues.  I mean sure, they're nice, but I don't much care for them anyhow, because they take away my sense of control.  Unlike readers of cheesy romance novels, I find wreckless, careless, and tasteless abandon rather undesireable.  In fact, I would not want to see most of the people I respect have orgasms, because I would not want to see them lose control (aside from the fact that I wouldn't want to be in a situation to see people I respect having orgasms).  Seeing someone lose control like that changes my perspective on them, it weakens them a bit, for a moment they are mine, at my mercy, and there are some people who I do not want to own... not even for a few seconds.  If I have brought them to that, reduced them to a squirms and squeals, what is the point, especially if what I respected in the first place was their fighting spirit?  There are some people with whom the struggle for power is far more engaging than the end of the battle; matching wits is better than losing them. 

 Am I making any sense?  Probably not.  Oh yeah, I apologize for all of the non- "G" rated material here, but I'm really not being that graphic.

Where was I going with this?

Good nite.

Date:	2005-03-10 20:57
Subject:	last nightmares...
Security:	Public
Mood:	gloomy
Music:	Smashing Pumpkins- In the arms of sleep

So last night my dreams, if you'd like to call them that, were terrible.

It started with the voices. Sometimes I hear voices. I mean, when I'm falling asleep, and I'm exhausted, my body goes to sleep, but I don't close my eyes and I am still very aware of what's going on around me. It's always creepy, even if the voice isn't one I'd normally mind. For instance, if I am up too late cause I'm hanging out with Chris, who tends to keep me up late and talk a lot, I may hear him talking for several more hours while I'm not quite asleep, even though he's long gone. Well, last night it was just random voices, although I had the impression that they were coming from a locker room (it's been years since I've been in a locker room).

At one point in my dream a younger friend of mine got onto my bed to play with some animal, probably a cat or something, and in trying to climb over me put his hand on my breast, and I was like, hey buddy, do you mind, what are you doing? He apologized and moved his hand. So yeah, then I "woke up" only I wasn't really awake, as I soon realized. So then I was on this dock and going to class to TA, but I went into Dr. Silva's class when I was supposed to be in Alyson's and it was very embarrassing. I was trying to go to Alyson's but I started sliding down the dock towards the water, and I knew I was going in. I am generally terrified of water, especially if I can't see the bottom. I screamed to wake myself up, but it didn't work. It's a terrible feeling, screaming at yourself to get up, and knowing you can't, but being so terrified even though you know it's a dream. So In a went, I don't want to say I was dragged... I didn't feel pulling, I just went, slid right in off the dock, plunged into the water. It was murky and green. I could see up through the surface, and I slowly made my way to the top and broke free. I "woke up" and got out of bed and turned around, and there was my young friend in my bed. I was horrified. He is way too young to be in my bed. I just stood there and was like, uh, what are you doing here? He indicated that I ought to remember, he was there when I went to bed (earlier in the dream, before the first time I "woke up"). I said a very cliche, "we didn't....? did we?" and he told me that nothing had happened. I was like... still, your mother is going to kill me, and I'm going to jail. Then my parents were outside verifying that "his mother is going to kill you." After that things are jumbled... Let's put it this way, when I really did wake up, I didn't dare risk going back to sleep.

I might get a new car. Well, a new used car. We shall see.

I want things I cannot have, and do not really want to have, at least not in the way I can have them. Makes no sense, I know.

I am a bit dismayed. I feel like I've lost "it." I mean, last time I was single for any reasonable amount of time I still had a few guys ask me out and express interest, this time, nothing. I mean, I'm not the hottlest tamale on the bush, but I'm a pretty spicy pepper. I may not be miss perfect skinny stripper barbie pants, but I think I'm fairly attractive and I have a definate figure.... I'm not like a blob or something. I have hips, a waist, and a little bit of extra pudge here and there... very 1950's, but not fat. I also do my best to keep in shape (although I've definately over indulged in junkfood and underindulged in gym time this week). Usually I go to the gym at least 4 days a week and do a variety of activities, jogging, elyptical, lifting weights for anywhere from 35 minutes to two hours depending on what combination I choose and how sore I may or may not be. According to Chris I have an "interesting" personality, which I wouldn't say is a bad thing. So why doesn't anyone even hit on me? It would be such a nice ego boost! ... and no, you don't count... you know who you are... you're supposed to be getting engaged :-P.

So today Mr. Rana called and he is coming by to let me test drive the Nissan Altima at 9pm. He was very friendly and said that I had a wonderful personality, and he was very pleased becaues he did not have many friends, especially women friends and since we live so close we could be friends. I don't mind being friends, but this, my friends, is a little weird. Maybe it's a cultural thing I just don't get. He's a nice enough fellow, but still, I realized that I probably shouldn't be alone with him in a car at 9pm, no matter how nice he is, so I poked around for male friends to come with me for the test drive. I'm fairly certain that Luke will be accompanying me.

Date:	2005-03-08 20:06
Subject:	Busy Day
Security:	Public
Mood:	creative
Music:	Melissa Etheridge- Like the Way I Do

So today I woke up, and really had nothing much to do but go to the gym. Which soon changed. First I decided I had to write a different sort of poem than my usual. Then I also got a call from the insurance company about the accident that happened outside my building last night and gave a recorded statement. I had to go initial something at the rental office. I was up by 9, but didn't make it out of the house until at least 1:30. Then my car door was blown open into the car next to mine, so I left a note, but I didn't get a call, so I guess the note probably blew away too.
It was still a pretty good day. I ate way too much, I mean, it was all pretty healthy stuff, but definately eating too many nuts again. I can't help it, I'm so hungry. I think I'm ovulating :-), yeah, like you really needed to know that. But still, it's a big thrill, cause it means my body is finally returning to normal. I've been off of birth control since october, and my pieces are finally falling back into place. Last month I think I ovulated and got my period right away, which was funky, it's not supposed to go like that, so hopefully this month it's a little more normal. I want kids someday, so I really don't want to fall into a cycle that will result in me being unable to conceive without the bastardization that is modern medicine.
I'm still a svelte (sp) 145 lbs, which is awesome compared to the near 160 I was at the end of last semester. My boss, who is always calling people fat, even told me he doesn't think I look fat when I told him my love handles were the reason I did not want a tasty-cake pie. So thank you gym and south beach diet. I really think I over did it at the gym today. My muscles already hurt, that usually is a day after sort of thing. I did side bends on the funny slanty bench thing and it made my back hurt a bit. I'll have to build strength... it took me long enough to try the bench thing cause I was so afraid I'd fall off.
So yes. I will now post for you my three most recent poems. The last one took me several hours and liberal use of a thesaurus... but I thought I'd try something different for a change. So, please be cute and leave me some constructive criticism.

Three blackbirds at my window,
Who suddenly take flight,
Come greet me in the morning,
Swathed in the shade of night,

Dark shadows in my vision,
The carriers of souls,
Chilled trembling ‘cross my shoulders,
I’m shaken by the cold,

Run with me,
We can both hunt down our fears,
Come with me,
We will dry each others’ tears,
Together,
We’ll unearth a time and place,
And as partners,
We can both live for the chase,

Three blackbirds at my window,
Though daunting in their form,
Are present to remind me,
I will endure life’s storm.

~

I deny you,
Over me you have no hold,
I’ll defy you,
You’ve no bearing on my soul,

You pursue me,
With no knowledge of the chase,
You undo me,
And leave lie in waste,

You’re intriguing,
In your haze I’ve been ensnared,
You’ve deceived me,
And then left me cold and bare,

I’ll keep turning,
Round to meet you face to face,
‘Till you’re yearning,
And it’s me who sets the pace.
~

Fate,
Is an unnatural thing,
Binds us with intangible chains,
Takes blame for the choices we make,
Fettered by our lifelong mistakes,

Life,
Is an accountable fuse,
Embodied by the beat that we choose,
Ties us to the ends we beget,
Learning takes the place of regret,

We each,
Have an obligation,
To recognize the actions we own,
Instead of letting fate take the rap,
For quandaries we’d prefer to forget.

Date:	2005-03-07 20:38
Subject:	Best day ever!
Security:	Public
Mood:	crazy
Music:	It's a beautiful day

So today I had a totally awesome day.
It started at 6am when I got up to be sure I'd make it to the 8am bus to Penn Station, to be sure that I'd definately make it to meet the director of the Center for Summer Learning at their office on North Charles Street. I made the bus, and the trip to Penn Station only took 45 minutes, which left me enough time to walk the 12 blocks up North Charles Street, in fact it only took me about 30 minutes, a little longer cause I stopped in safeway to get a snack. It was a really nice walk and I'm glad I didn't have to take the second bus, cause the weather was sooooo beautiful and it was great to have time to enjoy it. I did take the 11 back to the 31 since I wanted to get back to school and my feet hurt a bit from my dress shoes. While I was waiting for the 31 I noticed a mechanic with some used cars for sale accross the street so I went over and asked about them. I found a really cool Altima that might turn out to be a really great deal. But even better, he lives in my neighborhood and likes to help out college students so he's going to keep me updated on the kinds of cars I'm looking for when he comes accross something good.

So I totally have the internship, which is awesome. I'm getting a $2500 stipend and they're going to buy me a bus pass for the two months that I'll be going between sites. So yeah, I can go anywhere in the city on them. Awesome awesome awesome!!!! Today was so great, the weather was beautiful, the city was beautiful (at least the section where I was at is), and I was beautiful :-P. At least that's what the locals I came accross on my 12 block walk seemed to think. It was so great outside and I was so happy I just smiled and said thanks to all the guys who were trying to give me their phone numbers from car windows and street corners. I couldn't bring myself to give them the finger.

Wow... there was just a car accident outside... one guy actually ran away and they found his car but not him. Crazy shit.
good day anyway.

Date:	2005-02-24 16:01
Subject:	Snow Day
Security:	Public
Mood:	cold
Music:	Anna Nalick-Breathe (again)

So I did all my homework and made it to school for my TA duties only to have my classes cancelled for the day :-(. So instead of checking my stats homework I'm watching Mucha Lucha Gigante. I'm also debating some DDR, since I will once again not be making it to the gym. At least I got there Sunday and Monday. This show is wack. It's like little pro-wrestler cartoon guys doing crazy shit and they all have goofy accents. "Eat short stack of pancakes while skiing down scrambled egg mountain on bacon skis before hitting pool of syrup" WTF? Hahahaha. It's no wonder american kids are getting dumber... I can feel my brain starting to atrophy. I wonder if this could possibly be worse for the mind than Jerry Springer.

Mel is playing right now. It's good to see him moving around. He's a cute lil' urie, so I'm hoping he's healthy. I never get to see him running around cause I'm always gone during the day. I just know that his veggies disappear. He's freakin' adorable, but still doesn't like for me to play with him at all... It doesn't help that I'm gone all day and never have time to work with him.

I want to eat an entire jar of peanut butter. Fortunately I have some will power. It doesn't help that I'm home with the jar of peanut butter. What is with these peanut butter cravings?

My group project sucked. People didn't even show up to the last meeting and we never got to practice the power point. I did my own section and I think I did pretty good, but even I couldn't make up for the obvious lack of preparation on behalf of the rest of my group. One of them was even late to class.

Dude, there's a toilet called happy funtime pagoda in this show. I think I need to stop washing this. What does this do for children? Shouldn't cartoons be at least a little educational or something? I don't get it.

So I want to go sing karaoke again this saturday. I had fun last weekend, until I got way too drunk. I'm still wondering exactly what happened with that. My tolerance must have left with my sugar intake and the 10 lbs I dropped after cutting back on sweets and starches. I'd really like to try going on a date. But, I can't think of anyone to bother asking. I don't really want a relationship or anything, just a fun date or two so that I can feel a little more in the swing of things.

I'm not sure there's much point in dating at this point, since in less than a year I have to go wherever I find work. Well, that may not really be the case. Since I have to sign a 1 year lease for my apartment I have about 14 months until I'll be moving unless whatever job I find pays for my relocation costs. I'm thinking I might try to stay in this area anyway, since I'm not too far from my family, most federal gov't jobs are in this area, and I even have friends around here. Anyway, yeah, I don't want to risk ending up attached to someone at this point in my life. Afterall, if I found a job far away somewhere, a relationship would make it very complicated and possibly compromise my judgement. I mean, if I met someone I knew I could live with and had some feelings for I guess I'd factor that in, but I'm not going to know that about someone until I've known them for several years.

I really just want someone like me, but not too much like me, who keeps it interesting. I guess I might have to ask Chris to set me up with someone, since he knows me pretty well and maybe he could at least pick some decent people for me to go on dates with. Of course, I'd like to be a little shallow about it and find some attractive dates, which I'm sure he won't manage. For once in my life yes, I want to be shallow!!! I'm never shallow, but I'm soooo not dating any more guys who remind me of Shrek, especially if they smell like Shrek.

Why am I so bad at guys? I always end up with stupid, sloppy, lazy, dirty, dependent, or lame ones (or some combination of the aforementioned traits). I'm not a bad looking girl... I'm no twig, but I'm definately not fat, and more important than my weight, I'm active and relatively fit.

Man, I feel like a woman. I whiny stupid woman. WTF? I think it's just that everyone around me is somewhat paired up or dating so there's really nothing to do without being a third wheel. I'm just looking for someone to balance the picture so I can go out in something a little more stylin' than a tricycle.

Date:	2005-02-22 10:32
Subject:	Just another manic.... Tuesday?!
Security:	Public
Mood:	manic
Music:	Breathe- Anna Nalick

Hello again!
So today I have quite a day ahead of me. I have a quiz to proctor (sounds sick, huh?), then I have a group project to assemble with a group that just won't seem to come together, then maybe I'll make it to the gym, and after that I want to go home and vaccuum (If I have time), shower (if I make it to the gym), and miraculously make it to the airport to pick up my buddy Chris at 8:20. A lot of the latter stuff depends on the block of time I have between finishing the group project and picking up Chris.

I'm ashamed to say I've started buying paper plates to feed my lizards. It's not because I'm too lazy to clean their food dishes, it's more because I'm very concerned about contamination between the remaining uromastyx and the dragons. Basically, I've only got one sink to wash stuff in, and I don't want to risk cooties traveling from Mel's bowl to the dragon bowls. Too bad there aren't disposable water dishes heavy enough to not get knocked over.

On Saturday I got way too drunk. Amazingly, I woke up feeling spectacular sans hangover (I'd imagine the projectile vomiting had something to do with that). It seems that after months of stone soberness, which is really not a big deal since I generally wouldn't consume more than two alcoholic beverages a month, unless you count accidentally swallowing a bit of mouthwash from time to time, I can no longer hold my liquor. So I'll have to go sing karoke dry, but seriously, I probably sound better that way.

Lately I've really been dragging myself to the gym. I've had to make myself go instead of really wanting to go. I don't know what's up with that. I think maybe it's got something to do with my visiting aunt. Hopefully it will go away when she does. Seriously, when you've been working out everyday, and you're suddenly bloated and fat again, you begin to wonder what the point was. Joyously, I will be bloated and fat just in time to try to squeeze into a bathing suitie in Florida next month. Oh Luck, you cruel cruel trickster of a figment.

Um yeah, gtg, with 35 minutes to quiz time I've just been notified that I get to xerox the quiz. Quiz + last minute prep = pray the copying machine doesn't break. With the way the Minnolta treats us it's usually best NOT to leave these things for the last minute.

Date:	2005-02-17 16:14
Subject:	Thursday Thursday
Security:	Public
Mood:	drained
Music:	Dash Board- Hands Down

So uh, yeah. This weekend is looking pretty good I think. I'm not psyched about it, but that's probably because I have hardly been able to sleep all week. I don't know what's up, but that's typical. Friday night so far is a do nothing night, although Virginia and I might go see a movie if we both still have nothing to do. Saturday during the day I have a group meeting to discuss the OCD project for my Soc. of Mental Health and Illness class and in the evening I'm going out with some of the other grad students for karoke at Tom's. Sunday I have plenty of work to do and in the evening I'm going to have dinner with some friends. Dinner there is always a treat, since Laura is an awesome cook :-). She's even making cornflake chicken, which I LOVE!!!! I think I might be getting sick, but I'm not sure what kind of sick. Maybe I'm not eating enough or something, cause I'm really dragging today. I've been working out and then when I'm done I don't want to eat even though I know I should feel hungry, but it turns off my stomach or something. I keep going to bed without dinner cause I feel like if I ate I'd be sick, but I don't think it's good. Tonite I'm going to take it easy at the gym and make sure to eat. Sometime this weekend I should probably have some red meat, since all I've been having is chicken and fish and they're not as good sources of certain vitamins. I'm trying really hard to take care of myself this semester, and already I've lost about 10 pounds, but I feel like I'm stuck now and not going to shape up any better. I think it's just cause I've been in a bit of a funk the last couple days, my outlook will probably vastly improve once I get a decent night's sleep. Right now the moral of my story is: Timeless wisdom tells us that sometimes we don't know a good thing when it's right in front of us. Tireless stubbornness counters, saying that sometimes we do, but we refuse to acknowledge it. Yes... I am self defeating, and proud of it!!! :-/

Date:	2005-02-14 20:41
Subject:	Happy Singles Awareness Day (a.k.a. SAD)
Security:	Public
Mood:	dejected
Music:	Gin Blossoms- Hate Jelousy

Well, It's my first VD alone in two years. I actually started out alright today, but then the radio reminded me that if you'd done nothing for Valentine's day you're a loser (thanks Mix 106.5). Additionally, even my least mushy friends had posted mushy songs in their buddy info and away messages.
By the end of the day I'd been buried in people's updates on what they were doing with their fiance's or who they happened to be getting some from tonite. My only solace was that I would probably have the gym to myself this evening, but by the time I got out of class it was pouring and I ended up soaked before I'd made it to drop my stuff off at my car. So instead I went home and played DDR for an hour and a half, burned a fabled 300 calories (yeah right) and decided that I really don't feel like eating dinner.
Honestly, I think someone to cuddle is definately in order. Would someone like to come be my teddy bear? Can I use you for your warmth and contact comfort? No. Yeah, I didn't think so.
I was so determined not to get sucked in by this commercialized sham. I swore I would not feel dejected for being so socially deviant as to be single on Valentine's Day. I mean really, what kind of holiday makes people feel like failures for trying to be happy by themselves? Why should a day of general celebration make a large portion of the population feel as though they ought to jump into a coupling even if it's not what they want, like they should give up part of themselves in order to conform? Valentine's Day sucks.
It could be that I only feel this way because I'm not in a relationship. But, I don't think that this is the case. I was perfectly happy yesterday, and in the preceeding days. In fact, I've been perfectly happy since I got out of my last relationship a couple of months ago. Sure, I've had a crush or two, but nothing that spoiled my joyous single experience. Arrgh.
I think maybe my determination set me up for the fall I've taken today. Note to self, next time be determined to be 100% miserable on Valentine's day, and maybe you'll get by.

Date:	2005-02-09 23:18
Subject:	Humpday again
Security:	Public
Mood:	jealous
Music:	Let's give 'em something to talk about!

Well, it's Wednesday, hump of the week and what not. I'm hoping the rest of the week goes smoothly.

Last night I had a terrible dream. From what I remember it doesn't make sense that the dream was terrible, but I awoke with such a horrible feeling that I know that I'm not remembering something. In the dream I'm watching my friend's cats, Henri and Cinnamon, and they get out of the back door (he has no back door). I try to chase them, and eventually Cinnamon comes back after essentially terrorizing the neighborhood. But, I still can't find Henri, and he's the favorite. I woke up feeling so terrible. But, what's worse is that my friend told me Henri has a heart murmur of some sort and that he's been vomiting. Well, it's been bugging me for a couple days cause I remembered something about those two things from back in the day when I worked for Vets. This morning I remembered, after my dream, that vomiting was one of the symptoms of a worsening heart murmur, so I had to call and tell him. I just hope I didn't freak him out too much. I'm sure his vet knows what he/she is doing, but I wanted to make sure he knew that Henri might need to see a vet again. The dream was terrible, everything is terrible in this matter. Henri is a wonderful cat and I adore him. Cinnamon on the other hand, well, I wouldn't put it past him to terrorize an entire neighborhood, but he's a cutie pie too, in his own way.

So my matchmaking is almost going sickeningly well, perhaps. One of my friends managed to get one of my grad-office cohorts to go clubbing with him this weekend, and the other two are playing they're game. So yeah, there's two goofy pairs. I'm a terrible matchmaker, so I'm sure it'll all blow up in everyone's faces, especially mine, and I'll prolly get blamed for it.

I didn't go jogging today. I went Saturday, Monday, and Tuesday, and also went to the weight room on Saturday and Tuesday. Today I was just tired. Of course, that wasn't helped when VA brought over a bottle of wine for dinner, which only made me sleepier. Too bad it didn't make me brutally honest, then I could've told the whole world all of those cutsie little things that I keep bottled up inside, like, hey, I like Star Trek and, seriously you guys, clubbing sucks.... well, I'll quit while I'm ahead... :-P

So all of you who pray, please say a little prayer for Henri. Actually, I'm pretty sure Henri's papa never took a French class, so he probably spells it Henry, and unlike me, he probably says it that way too. I say something more like On-ri, when no one is listening. For some reason I always liked the French version better, it's just cuter. So let's wish him "bien sante."

I can cook good dinner. It makes me happy. I can cook and clean, I like to cook and clean. Prety sick huh? You know, I might make the ideal wife if I could just keep my mouth shut, but yeah, that'll never happen. Why should it happen? I'm much more fun this way. Plus, who wants to cook for someone and clean up after them, it's much better to do these things for yourself. The only exception would be if they cooked for you and cleaned up after you sometimes too. Then it would be a mutual arrangement.

The other day this guy was flirting with me. Guy from school. I started talking about being active and going to they gym and feeling like I always needed to be busy and employed. He immediately stopped flirting. I think I scared him away. It happens all of the time. I'm just overwhelming I guess. I don't know. What I wouldn't do for a guy who overwhelms me? Actually, there's a lot I wouldn't do. But, it would be nice to find one who didn't ask me to do much.

Is it really all about compromise? Can't I have things my way all of the time? And, if I can't, shouldn't there at least be someone interesting enough to make doing things their way worthwhile?

You know, I think my problem is this: John and I broke up 3 weeks ago (roughly), but I've been without companionship for far longer than three weeks. Probably I've been several months without much companionship. So, I feel like I shouldn't feel ready to date even though I do. But, I also don't want to date, because it's pointless. On the off chance that I ended up with someone interesting enough to stick with I'd probably have to leave by the end of December anyway depending on where real life and the work force happen to take me. At least when John was around I was "not allowed" to be interested in other people because that would've signified unfaithfullness and I am NEVER unfaithful. It's one of my few redeeming qualities. I may hate a person, but I won't cheat on them. Lame.

Smudge laid 18 eggs, in case I didn't tell you earlier Mr. Journal. I call you Mr. Journal because... well I feel like it alright? Journals tend to have secrets, and while you have none, I can't trust most girls to keep secrets, so it's better that you are a Mister in case I ever tell you any secrets. Like I am madly in love with _________ (Orlando Bloom maybe? yeah, only if he's dressed up as Legolas ;-)). I am a sick kitten.

I should go to bed. I'm tired, my muscles heart, and if I stay up I'm going to keep eating nuts. Noooo not those kind of nuts. More along the lines of almonds and pistachios. Nite.

Date:	2005-02-08 22:31
Subject:	Weird shit.
Security:	Public
Mood:	frustrated, twitterpated, ated
Music:	I'm with you (that Avril Lavigne song) lame I know.

Uh, yeah.
Weird shit.
That's really all I have to say.


Well, maybe not all. I was contemplating life on my ride home, thinking about how silly people are when they think they might like eachother and want to know if somebody likes them back, like likes them, kinda likes them, likes them only as a friend, etc. So I thought, I'm not cut out for this bullshit. I'd rather just be the kind of person who flat out tells someone I like them, and I realized, that this is generally what I do when I decide that I like someone AND it's worth pursuing, otherwise mum's the word. But anyway, rather than play that game, I thought about what I really ought to do in life. (Ayn Rand would be very ashamed of me). I realized, that my time would probably be better spent studying and doing research, not because it would make me happy, but because I'm good at it and it would be how I could best benefit the world. Why waste my brain power on "like liking" people, and other goofy pre-teenish things? A relationship takes a certain amount of motivation out of most people's academics. For instance, I've been known to visit with a significant other when I know I should be racking my brains for a more intelligent way to write my paper. Can you imagine all the genius that's wasted when a good mind is distracted by something as ephemeral as love? Dear god! Someone could've cured cancer by now if we could just get our minds of who we'd like to marry, or at least have meaningless sex with. Having a personal life tends to distract a person from his or her professional life. This has probably cost society countless great discoveries and stifled many a brilliant mind. So,why waste my time on it? I can love society by doing what I do best to benefit it. Right?


Um, that's a load of crap. Sounds somewhat good in theory. But the truth is people are selfish. I'd rather find some sort of distracting retarded companionship one day than spend my life toiling only to have a bunch of jerks tell me that my ideas may look good on paper, but are merely the rantings of some space-cadet liberal.

I think I have lost my poor little mind. Or the world of like liking people and hopeless fanatics is slowly taking it from me.

From Russia, with Love.
... or whatever.
night.

Date:	2005-02-02 14:40
Subject:	Hump-day
Security:	Public
Mood:	awake
Music:	Blessed Silence!!!!!

I worked a little last night. It was kinda fun. Dennis gave me my pair of Badis Badis back, they just won't breed for him. Yesterday one of my office friends saw me for the first time this semester, hugged me, and kissed my neck :-/. I can't quite figure that one out, so I'm going for he missed my cheek. Although, I do have a pretty hot neck :-P. I went to the gym yesterday. I used an array of machines at the weight room and discovered, much to my delight, that I have not lost any of my ability and I can still lift what I was lifting before graduate school left me with no time for working out. I was even happier when I noticed that all the other girls had to set the weights down by 30-40 lbs. after I'd used the machines. I guess now I know why I was never as skinny as other girls even when I didn't have an ounce of fat; I'm a brick house! So yeah, espousita popped up, which leaves me wondering who Mr. Apisto got into his little argument with. He's doing better, but I'm concerned that, if I put him back in the tank, whoever kicked his ass the first time will beat the puckey out of him again. Sigh. Damned political fish. There's no one at my office hours. Big surprise! But, that's not unusual for the first week of school, of course, it's also not unusual for the entire semester. Ummmm... I think that's really all I have to say about today thus far. So bye.

Date:	2005-01-28 18:13
Subject:	Chillin' with the Rents
Security:	Public
Mood:	and chewed on
Music:	Some song w/ the line "can I be your space heater tonite"

Yep, so I'm home with my parents this weekend. My sister is taking my mom and me out for dinner at a crazy expensive tv stars eat there restaurant where she works. I'm going to pretend that her discount means that it won't be expensive at all, but I know that's not the truth. But, I'm excited, I don't get to eat yummy food that someone else cooked every day.

Last night I kept my friend's cats company while he's away for a couple weeks. His fat red one spent the whole night standing on my head and clawing at/chewing on my hair. I hope he gets a giant hairball. The other one knew I was just a cheap substitute for his papa and wasn't having it, which is a shame cause Henri is way cooler than Cinnamon the head stomper. Cinnamon also spent some time chewing on my face and leaving some claw marks in my shoulder. Henri did decide to give me some loving this morning and clawed one boob while nuzzling the other, little pervert.

I think I might get a hair cut this weekend. It's a little long lately, and a little weighed down. Additionally, Cinnamon kinda gave me a trim in some places, so I should probably get that fixed. I don't know what I'm going to have done, I'm thinking of going a little shorter than usual so that it gets a bit of extra lift even when it's straight. I guess we'll see.

I'm excited about dinner tonite.

I'm also excited because I can go to the gym tomorrow and bench press cause I'll have a spotter for the first time in months. I love to bench press. I only belong to the JCC for another week cause I'll be 23, but at least I'll get to use the family membership once.

At least the kitties here are awesome and don't claw my head. Especially my darling Margie, she's soooo cute and sweet!

Um yeah... my mom is an idiot... she got the month wrong, they are not going to be away during Passover and I am soooo going to Florida.  Rock On!!!

So yeah, I mentioned that maybe if I kept losing weight I could wear a cute bathing suitie in Florida, and Dimitriy (works with me) was like, oh are you losing weight?  So your diet is working (he is trying to diet, badly), I thought you had bigger pants.
     My pants do look a bit big lately.
     Yaay South Beach Diet!!! (So easy, yummy, and working!)  Exercise helps too.

Yeah so.  Um.  Yeah.  Um....  Uh...  Yeah.

So you know that Gin Blossoms song, Jealousy, or whatever it's called...  I think that is my favorite song every.  Lame, I know.

The dragons are doing well, but Luke prolly can't watch them this weekend, which is very bad, cause I'm supposed to go visit my family.

Um, yeah.  Um...  well, if I said it it'd be bad and I'm sure it'd come back to bite me in the ass, so you will all just have to guess at it.

Yay!  I'm having "coffee" with N. on Friday, someone I fondly remember from highschool.  Things just keep getting better and better!!!  I can't wait to see her, it's been years.

I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, too sexy... eh who am I kidding... I'm just too lazy to put a shirt on.

do you think it'd be alright,
if i could just crash here tonite,
you can see i'm in no shape for driving,
anyway i got no place to go,

don't you know it might not be that bad,
you were the best i'd ever had,
if i hadn't blown the whole thing years ago,
i might be here with you....

Um, yeah... um... uh... ummmmm.... hmmmmm.... mumble mumble....  well, I get it, but you might not.  But hey, I'm not about to broadcast my current contemplation on LJ.  It's bound to cause trouble.